So much of my thought life these past few months have been spent wishing I could just understand. I don’t understand the workings of His grace over me. I don’t understand some of the decisions I’ve had to make or paths I’ve had to get on in my life. I don’t understand how I can make countless mistakes and yet still have the glory of my God shining upon me. I don’t understand life or love or why we must go through the fire to grow. I don’t understand why His eyes of fire pierce me and I am consumed by His love one minute and then back to sinning in the next. My flesh is so thick. I have said prayer after prayer and whole-heartily repented hundreds of times, yet my flesh seems so strong. Who am I? Why is the King of Kings enthralled by me? Who is He that sees all my confusion, my sin, my shame, my flesh; yet still loves me with an everlasting love? He is strong when I am weak. He is present when I feel as though I am fading. He is a pillar when my knees begin to shake. He is courage when I want to run away. I do not deserve His love, but come hell or high water, I will cling to Him. I will learn to rest in Him. I will learn to let Him carry me. I will abide in Him, making every branch of my being reside in His vine. I am pure. I am loved. I am a fighter. I am becoming fearless. I am the beloved of the King.
For so long I’ve had this idea that if I could just touch you, all would be better in this heart of mine. The thought of being near you has been my saving grace. Maybe it’s the changing of seasons, but recently I’ve become much more sober in my thoughts of you; my dreams of you. Though I still want you I don’t feel as though I need you. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? I’m beginning to be ok with not knowing the answers to those questions. I’m beginng to be free; beginning to be me.
It’s true, it’s true. Who I am has always been wrapped up in you. I am homesick for you; lovesick for you.
There really is adventure in the waiting. With all my questioning and doubting I have learned that my God is all about the journey. What good is crossing the Jordan if it didn’t take hell to get there? There is no easy way. Doubt is never an option. If we are to receive the fullness of His promises over us, we must believe. He is not a man that He may lie. He is not like me. He is not like you. When my heart is weary and I can’t seem to find a place to rest my head, He speaks. He reminds me that He is there and that I don’t have to walk alone. This life seems so lonely and my path feels like its taking so long to get to the end, but it’s always worth it. When I find myself pondering all the things that I want for my life and I begin to worry, He reminds me that there is adventure in the waiting. Why is it so hard for us to allow the creator of adventure to take our hand? I cannot comprehend His beauty. I cannot comprehend His mercy. All I know is that He is for me. He is for you. Abba has spoken so clearly that this last season of my life was about alignment, fully binding my spine to His. It is in the most painful of seasons that He will equip us to receive the promise. And that’s where I am…. In this new season it is about promise. When the road feels so long and the sorrow feels so heavy, just lace your hand into His. Allow Him to bind your spines together. He is about the adventure. It is when we truly let go of what is behind us that we may fully receive what is ahead. It is true, the future may be scary, but this view of the Jordan is so much more beautiful than the view that is behind me. If you let Him, He will lead you the whole way through.