There are few things in this life that will truly leave you undone. There are few things that will leave you breathless and aching for more. I want all of those things. I want love that shatters every ounce of doubt. I want breath that flows freely in my lungs and out again into the open air. I want life that is abundant and full of mystery. I want laughter that brings tears of joy to replace every tear of sorrow. And I want beauty. Beauty that leaves me on my knees, in awe of the creation that is just within my reach. May I? May I have this, my Lord? Would you, love Himself, find me worthy? Oh, dream big in my head. Hope, wish, believe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
So much of my thought life these past few months have been spent wishing I could just understand. I don’t understand the workings of His grace over me. I don’t understand some of the decisions I’ve had to make or paths I’ve had to get on in my life. I don’t understand how I can make countless mistakes and yet still have the glory of my God shining upon me. I don’t understand life or love or why we must go through the fire to grow. I don’t understand why His eyes of fire pierce me and I am consumed by His love one minute and then back to sinning in the next. My flesh is so thick. I have said prayer after prayer and whole-heartily repented hundreds of times, yet my flesh seems so strong. Who am I? Why is the King of Kings enthralled by me? Who is He that sees all my confusion, my sin, my shame, my flesh; yet still loves me with an everlasting love? He is strong when I am weak. He is present when I feel as though I am fading. He is a pillar when my knees begin to shake. He is courage when I want to run away. I do not deserve His love, but come hell or high water, I will cling to Him. I will learn to rest in Him. I will learn to let Him carry me. I will abide in Him, making every branch of my being reside in His vine. I am pure. I am loved. I am a fighter. I am becoming fearless. I am the beloved of the King.
For so long I’ve had this idea that if I could just touch you, all would be better in this heart of mine. The thought of being near you has been my saving grace. Maybe it’s the changing of seasons, but recently I’ve become much more sober in my thoughts of you; my dreams of you. Though I still want you I don’t feel as though I need you. Who am I? Who are you? Who are we? I’m beginning to be ok with not knowing the answers to those questions. I’m beginng to be free; beginning to be me.